on friday night i met my ex-boyfriend
we went to movie, Social Network, i enjoyed that movie but i dont know whether he enjoyed it

after that we went to izakaya but both of us did not drink any alcohol because we had to drive

we talked about many things and finally we talked the important thing for him--- "why we broke up?"

i have already get my answer. because he threw away me. that's the reason why we broke up.
but in his mind, it was different. he quitted his company last year because his saraly was not enough to get along with me.
so he changed the job but it was harder than he expected and he quitted that company. he became a part-time jobber at marjang parler.
my parents are public servants and they did not let me to have been dated with him and i had the same idea so i agreed to break up.

he told me that if his salary was expensice (at least 5 thousand yen), he did not break up with me.
but his thought is just "maybe". i told him although you got more expensive salary, we would break up.
of course he did not admit my idea.
why i broke up with him? before we broke up, sometimes he did not watch real me. sometimes he believed that i was childish and selfish so he told me i should be more adult. Sometimes he did not think my job so important. when i cried about my job(i made some mistakes), he just told me if you hate that job, you just quit it. he said it is all right when we got married. that's not words which i expected. so we broke up.

anyway---that night, i was stupid and very nasty. i decided to NOT slept over but i did.
i just "have sex". not "make love". i do not love him anymore.(i dont know he loves me or not)
i did not tell him about my private love---things on august and on november. he may believe that i did not have making love with other men.

i should not tell this night to my friends, should not write it on my diary.especially my friends--- i know what i did last night. how stupid what i did. it is enough to critisize myself. i know i should not meet him ANYMORE and should not sleep over ANYMORE.

i should delete his address in my cell phone. i need to find another man who can understand me,my job and my family completely. every day i grow up little by little. i need to grow up more and more.


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